Tag Archives: make the right mark

Sara Wars – A New Visa

“Do. Or do not. There is no try.” – Yoda

My hands are so chilly I can barely type. But I must. I need to tell you the news 😀 Partner-in-crime and I have finally been granted New Zealand residency.

That’s right. After a year and a half in make-up, I now look like this:

Some of you may have heard more than you care to of the trials and tribulations that have brought us to this point. A hefty sigh of relief was blown over my bubbles last night! I’m so happy to be here, with all the battles fought and the war finally over.

To those who may not have an appreciation for the pain of immigration admin, let me walk you through the process. Last January, we decided to go for residency. Due to my prowess with paper, we decided not to go for an immigration lawyer (they cost a crazy amount. I’m almost tempted to become one). Before you can even apply for residency here, you have to submit an application asking to be allowed to ask to be invited to apply. This ‘Expression of Interest’ cost $500 and involved a large form, covering all sorts of background, proving that you have 100 points plus. You get points for qualifications, an offer of employment in a ‘skilled’ category, years of relevant work experience etc. These things I have, so I thought it would be a straightforward road to travel. First up, your EOI joins a pool, from which the higher pointed applications are selected every fortnight. Having started to gather evidence and prepare the app in Jan, we submitted in Feb and received an Invitation To Apply in March. So far, so smooth.

Then the real work/expense began. It took another 3 months before we could submit an application (at a cost of $2k) because I had to have my accountancy qualification assessed by the NZQA (at a cost of $1k). I had everything lined up ready to go, but alongside certificates and transcripts, they then asked for my school qualifications (GCSEs and A-Levels), which I hadn’t seen for a wee while (ok, a long while, I’m aging). We had to have full medical checks, bloods and x-rays (at $450 each). We had to have full police checks and certificates from any country in which we’d been situated for a combined total of 12 months over the course of our lives (thankfully just the UK – NZ do their own sneaky check – and thankfully clean 😉 at $100 each – and they only accepted UK based payment, thanks Mum & Dad). We also needed proof of partnership, which would have been easier had we not been living in a van 12 months previously, with no idea that we would have been doing ourselves a favour if we hadn’t thrown away all proofs of address to lighten the load on the road. Initially, the first employment reference I requested (for my 4 years at Ernst & Young in London) came back stating I’d only worked there as an intern for 6 weeks. Awkward. And getting the right evidence was only a part of it. Referencing it and writing it up was a whole other kettle of kiwis.

Pressing submit on 21 June last year was *amazing.* Subsequently waiting 7 months for an immigration case officer was not. Her first contact was to request us to provide a statutory document, which we’d need to request from a government body in the UK, in 3 business days. Was she on glue?! That took 4 weeks. I later ended up providing her with 14 months of payslips and background to why partner-in-crime’s nose was broken when he was 15. No joke. She asked so many technical questions of my employer, the response took 4 pages of A4. At more than one point, the future did not look bright. It seemed they were trying to make an example out of me. They wanted answers in tiny timeframes, but wouldn’t respond to my communications. There was a distinct lack of friendliness about the process. It was like being in a trial, where you’re not welcome until proven worthy. So you can imagine how it felt to outgun them :p (ahem, I mean, thank you so much for letting me stay in your country). Now all we need to do is coax them to put the stamps in our passports within the year – and pay a $600 migrant levy.

Just as I’ve learnt with the path to publication – it’s better not to be an island. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help. There’s nothing wrong with people sharing and supporting your goals and letting them assist you. Yep, we didn’t fork out for a lawyer, but I *drowned* in paperwork. Half a metre had to be couriered off. I stressed and worried and triple-checked things every step of the way. Being qualified to do something alone doesn’t mean that you have to. I’m not saying I wouldn’t do the same again – just that if money is no object, an immigration lawyer is a swell team member to have :p I became a paranoid pest when dealing with my immigration officer. With a lack of lawyer, I couldn’t have done this without having friends to bounce off and whine to. We couldn’t have done this without the 18 people who wrote us letters of support for our partnership and posted them from all over the world. And we couldn’t have done this without timely references and recommendations from employers past and present. So I’m not just triumphant, I’m grateful.

Are you struggling with anything at the moment? Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t be too proud to ask for help (just don’t ask me – I’m fricking exhausted :p). A win is a win – sometimes we need support to get where we want to be. And it’s so lovely to see so many people happy for us. A genuine thank you to everyone who has shown their support in so many forms, during this and many other long, arduous battles.

10 Replies

Lies, Lies, Lies

16 Replies

“You can’t handle the truth!” – A Few Good Men

This week, I have been mostly becoming addicted to Suits and considering the nature of truth. Laughably, given the triumph of the pending reversal of the bank-charge-to-be, partner-in-crime and I were almost immediately robbed on TradeMe (a Gumtree/Ebay equivalent over here).

We handed over $1720 last Tuesday, expecting delivery of goods by Friday. On Saturday, I received a message saying said goods were broken on Thursday night. Having spent all our money buying a car on the Wednesday, the seller says they don’t have the funds to pay us back straight away. But there were assurances our money would come back to us asap. A week later, I followed up. They ‘honestly’ don’t have the money to pay us back. But will. By 1st April if not before. Never mind that we’re paying credit card interest in the meantime and have effectively loaned this guy 2k for a month for free to buy a car. Having said he’d send the goods on payment, why did he even still have them at the end of the week? Couldn’t he have posted the item when he went out to buy a vehicle with our money? Is it even broken, or is this whole thing a scam? This could just be an unfortunate situation. I’m trying to be patient, putting myself in the seller’s shoes. But I just can’t tell how truthful those shoes are.

I dropped a line to TradeMe to let them know the situation. But even if it becomes evident that the seller’s leading us on and not planning to return our funds, they can’t actually do anything to enforce repayment. Like so many things, online trading is all based on trust.

I don’t think I would have made a very good lawyer. I only ever wanted to be a movie-star lawyer anyway (Tom Cruise in The Firm, Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men, Tom Cruise in Cocktail… wait…). Anyway, I’m unsuited to a life of Suits. I just can’t hack lying. I’m not saying that lawyers lie. But when there are two sides to a dispute, lies are all around.

I was in court last month for a contractual dispute, representing my employer. It was a fool’s errand because, at every turn, I was confronted by lies. The respondent was lying; the witnesses were lying; disgruntled ex-employees were lying; or more current employees were lying about what the ex-employees had been told. Some lies were blatant, while other lies I’m sure they had told themselves with such conviction that they were convinced they were the truth – but that didn’t help me. I ended up pulling the case, because I couldn’t produce enough evidence that everyone’s lies were just that.

I wrote notes on how frustrated I was at the time – I’m looking at the garbled mess of hyperbole as I type. I couldn’t face a collusion of lies with an unsupported truth. And it killed me. Bear in mind this was just a small-fry contractual issue, not a life-changing criminal court charge. But I cried with frustration.

People lie. They cheat. They steal. They hurt. They maim. They kill. But we have to move through life with a little trust. There are good people who act in good faith and we can’t look upon everyone as the enemy. My hope is that in cases more important than my company’s dispute, truth overcomes lies and justice is done.

My hope is also that I get my money back from my TradeMe perp. Perhaps he is in good faith and really does just need some time, for genuine reasons. Hmm.

Let’s take a poll – am I getting my money back?! Who else has a problem with the lies other people tell? What’s the worst lie you’ve ever been told and how did you handle it?

16 Replies

Sara Wars – The Phantom Bank Charge

11 Replies

Always pass on what you have learned – Yoda

Soon for me to have another post it is. But Kristen Lamb suggested blogging about my latest triumph – and what kind of padawan would I be if I didn’t listen to the master?

I got paid today (yay). I logged into my bank account, only to find I’d been overdrawn for a week. Not having a lot of them, I’m a little anal when it comes to my finances. I *hate* getting failed direct debit / automatic payment fees. I *hate* going overdrawn when I haven’t seen it coming. So it doesn’t happen much. These incur fees and fines that are more lost money on top of that already lost.

Last week, I specifically called my internet company because I knew the funds weren’t currently where they needed to be to pay my direct debit. I paid by card from a different account. And then confirmed at least 3 times that the direct debit wouldn’t go out this month.

Having checked and doubled checked on the phone – I then didn’t check my bank account to see if they lied to me. They did. They overdrew me. Meaning bank fees would ensue at the end of the month. So I called the bank to find out when these would occur and how much they would be ($15 – but that’s not the point!). I then called the internet company to have a fight and try to reclaim the fees that hadn’t yet happened. And I’m usually epically nonconfrontational (which apparently isn’t a word – but should be).

We had a little row about whether the customer service person I spoke to previously even know I was on a direct debit and wasn’t just paying by card. I explained that the whole reason I called was to make sure the direct debit could be averted. I had even asked if it was too late and if I should physically move cash around by foot from one bank to another (quicker than an internet transfer here in NZ, trust me) to make sure the payment could be made as usual. I was assured it would be fine.

The lady on the phone shot me down. But said she would review the call to see if my wild claims had foundation. My account being in credit, I could ask for a a refund. By this time, I’ve been paid, so I’m not overdrawn. I don’t mind being in credit with them, I just mind the impending fees for having been in my non-existent overdraft through no fault of my own.

There’s a lot going on at the moment. I’m a bit overwhelmed with work and life… The lady on the phone upset me far more than she should. By this point, I knew it was a case of $15. It was not the end of the world. I’m not even sure it met the threshold to be a matter of principle. But for some reason, it was. I was disproportionately incensed at the injustice (first world problems, ey?!). This reaction was the first hint that I need to take a chill pill, a step back and possibly a valium and calm down. And address the real issues I’m upset about at the moment.

The second clue was the unreal jubilation I felt when the lady called back and, apology in her voice, backtracked and said she’d refund the bank fee, having listened to my call of the week before. Could I send proof of the bank fee? Well, no. It hadn’t even happened yet.

But when it does, I’ll get it back 🙂 Victory is mine – I have won the battle!

To win the war, I’m going to have to get some perspective. Not to belittle my jubilation, but there are bigger victories to fight for right now.

Is anyone else outraged by unjustified bank fees? Has anyone had a similar little triumph give them a boost at exactly the right time? I think it’s ok to do a little victory dance. I definitely did one… And it was fine, since I then resolved to regain my perspective and get back to work!

11 Replies

Sara Wars – Return Of The Year-End

18 Replies

In a galaxy far, far away…

I wrote a post at the end of the year all about highlights. I love the way we call it ‘new year’ rather than ‘year-end’ – it shows we’re looking forward. The phrase has a hop of hope and jump of joy about it. Year-end doesn’t quite have that happy ring, especially for my alter-ego.

I’m in a saga of split-personalities at the moment. Let’s call the saga Sara Wars. By day (or at least, more often than I’d like), I am Sara the Reluctant Accountant. By night (or, really, at all times I’m not at the ‘dayjob’), I am Sara the Editor, with her own business (one which will hopefully one day make it possible to be Sara the Recovering Accountant). And I am Sara the Writer, soon to be Published Author. The latter give me more joy than I ever hoped to find. But they take time. They take effort and energy.

I am not ungrateful or regretful regarding the fact I qualified as an accountant. I have gained invaluable skills and I have met priceless people. But at year-end, the dark side encroaches on all other aspects of life and I resent it. There is so much to doooo – and it doesn’t get me any closer to building a bigger, more successful business or being published and becoming a better writer – it steals me away from those goals.

This year, I’m committed to more than one entity that needs accounting for. One is the company that employees me. One is a friend’s business. One is a charitable trust. And one is my own enterprise. Don’t even get me started on the personal tax returns on the horizon, an army of Imperial Stormtroopers.

But however thinly we find ourselves spread. However Darth Vadery the numbers become. However much the Death Star of Compliance takes our time and tries to break us… There has to be an accounting.

In all walks of life, for all our alter-egos, there has to come a time, whether it be year-end or otherwise, when it’s time to take stock. It’s time to spend some time reviewing exactly what we’ve done, how far we’ve come, figure out the figures, and plan the best steps to succeed in the time ahead.

Death and Taxes. They come to us all. They are sinister and unfriendly. But we owe them – they come for us and call us to account for our activities. In the meantime, the saga continues. See you on the other side, when I may or may not give you further installments, including The Inland Revenue Strikes Back and Attack of the Auditors.

Do you cope well or choke on resentment when you have to take time away from your dreams? Do you find it hard to account for yourself? Is the Death Star of Compliance ruining anyone else’s day?

18 Replies

Temporarily Alone. Permanently Lucky.

23 Replies

Am I good luck? Bad luck? Or just too damn cute?

My Dad left on the weekend, back to the UK after his visit to NZ came to an end. My Mum left after her visit a month ago now – how time does fly! Partner in crime is up in Auckland for work for two weeks, so I’m left alone (sniff), cheating on him with books and blogs.

Disgruntled as I am to be temporarily solo (more sniffs), a few things I’ve read and seen recently have made me realise how lucky I am. If you ever find yourself needing a little perspective, look no further than the stories all around you.

Helena HB’s story of the missing two dollars and Laura Bates’s most recent TED Talk on sexism and solidarity beyond borders are two stories that stopped me in my tracks this week. Is it right that I feel ‘lucky’ not to have been abused as a child or a partner? I don’t know. But I do. I feel thankful. So many people haven’t been that lucky. I’m always going to be grateful for coming from where I’ve come from. I feel awful for the people out there who have come from so much darker places and had their trust and human right not to be abused violated.

I’ve always been superstitious. Don’t walk under ladders. No new shoes on the table. Don’t step on the cracks. Never spill salt without flicking it over the left shoulder. Heaven forbid I ever break a mirror… But while I don’t believe in tempting fate, I do still believe in making your own luck. It kills me sometimes that we can’t control the luck of the draw – we can’t control where we’ve come from. We can’t control the horrible things that people can be capable of doing to each other. But some brave souls will always show us that, wherever you’ve come from and whatever has happened, we can still control where we’re headed. And we can still control our own actions.

Can everyone stop, pause and find something to feel lucky about? Are black cats good or bad luck? Remember not to walk under any ladders, but also remember to make your own luck. There’s so much bad in the world. We need to do some good stuff to balance it out.

23 Replies

WANACon Vs Whistling Frogs

33 Replies

‘Did you see JK Rowling in the mirror this morning?’ – Daven Anderson

A few months ago, I wrote about why I went to WANACon for the first time. I’m going to talk about why I went again this weekend, despite being faced with the distraction of whistling frogs. It was because I *knew* this digital writers’ conference would live up to its last installment. And it was well worth some creative logistical leaps to make attendance possible.

My Dad’s visiting from the UK and got into town on Friday. We planned a trip to the remote Catlins Coast, a 4 hour trip from my home in Queenstown NZ (& full of cute whistling frogs). Living half a world away, I don’t see my parents very much, so was obviously planning to treasure the trip. But horror of horrors! I realised it would clash with WANACon – such an important conference to attend at this pre-published point in my writing career.

So, I booked somewhere with wifi – The Whistling Frog Holiday Park. And it was awesome. There was a mixture of sunshine and storms (typical NZ), so it wasn’t their fault the wifi was… questionable. Also, you could gain free wifi vouchers if you spent money in the cafe (read bar) – match made in heaven :p I got up at dawn to watch as many sessions as possible – and now I’m catching up on everything I missed, because there are *recordings* and there was a high level of internet interference / teddies thrown out of pram in the wilderness.

Alongside a visit to Teapot World (A garden containing 776 teapots – worth a visit. I’m not kidding), some wonderful waterfalls, a petrified forest by the sea, caves alongside sandy beaches, rare penguin sightings… I got to see some of the most valuable names in the new world of small press, self-publishing, writing, web-building & branding – all imparting their wisdom while I sipped tea in my PJs and shook my fist at the signal strength / weather.

Since the last WANACon, I have had a website built by Laird Sapir & hosted by Jay Donovan, both WANA presenters/professionals; I have won NaNoWriMo and am revising a book for publication; I have met *amazing* bestselling authors, pre-published authors and many authors in between; and I have continued to *learn a lot* from the wonderful resources shared by writers, editors and craft experts who agree with WANA’s main principle – We Are Not Alone.

I’m reminded of this principle every time I connect with someone new, having found their blog through WANA. Every time someone tweets me an encouraging response on Twitter, having read a tweet of mine through #MyWANA. Every time I have a burning question answered, expertly and honestly, by someone who wants to help because they know me through WANA. All the WANA enthusiasts seem to embrace my motto – make the right mark.

So, thank you Kristen Lamb & everyone who presented at WANACon! It was just wonderful. And for my non-writey readers who might be a bit baffled by some of the above – here is a picture of a *really* rare penguin 🙂 Whatever your passion, have you found a forum where you can enjoy support and friendship in its pursuit? I hope so – it’s worth finding!

33 Replies

The Best Way To Checkmate & The Book To Be

18 Replies

“There was a war in my head, thundering between my ears.

This had to be the ultimate fool’s errand.”

– Sara Litchfield, The Night Butterflies

Lots of lovely things happened this weekend, large and small: I finally finished Draft 2 of The Book To Be; I gained a new, lovely, editing client; I beat Partner In Crime at the chessboard; it was sunny on Sunday; we made stuffed potato skins; and we finally watched episode 14 of season 5 of Breaking Bad (aaaaaagggghh!!!).

I was (uncharacteristically) aggressive on the chessboard this weekend. Perhaps it’s a reflection of the fact I’m trying to be more aggressive in all of life’s challenges. Sometimes the only route to success involves pushing fiercely forward. I sacrificed quite a few pieces up front in order to give myself the space to manoeuvre and I didn’t end up regretting it.

Life is very chessy at the moment, especially with Project Get Published. Some people agonise over their opening, but I’ve always found making the first move relatively easy. It’s the battle that follows that can get bloody and messy. It can be frustrating that you can only control what you can control. You may think you’ve done everything to force a certain outcome, giving the opposition surely only one sensible option – only to find that they can still surprise you with their response. Sometimes, their move might seem completely counter-intuitive. But they’re playing their game – not yours. And you can’t rush them. They’ll move when they’re ready. All you can do is prepare your onslaught and keep plugging away every time they foil you. You have to not get distracted by anything shiny and concentrate on the goal, using all your powers of prediction to take the best possible position.

Sacrifice with care – you might think capturing the King all important and worth disregarding the other pieces of your life, but it might be better in the end if it takes a little longer but you emerge still having your friends, your partner, your clients and your colleagues to celebrate with. Sacrifice is necessary – I’ve certainly sacrificed the vast percentage of my social life, and it will be worth it. But it’s important to nurture the relationships and still do the chores that you might think slow you down, but in reality are really integral to your long-term success. I don’t want to achieve checkmate but have lost my mate in the process. It can be fantastic to be single-minded, but I think it takes more than one thing to give life meaning.

So I’m sure you’re dying to know. The Book To Be is a dystopian thriller of sorts. ‘Boy monster meets girl monster in post-apocalyptic university town and their fight for survival turns into a fight to bring down the system.’ It is taking *so* much longer for all the pieces to be in the right place to publish than I planned. But the time-investment and dollar-investment and the sacrifices along the way will be worth it. The best way to achieve checkmate is persistence and patience.

Is anyone else struggling to make the right moves at the moment? Anyone struggling to sacrifice the right pieces of life? Keep your eyes on the prize. It will be worth it.

And, *deep breath* is there anyone out there with the time and inclination who would consider being a Treasured Beta Reader for The Night Butterflies? I have 2, I’d love 3 more. Haters of the dystopian genre / books told from several POVs / people with absolutely no time to read / people who are gleeful and lack tact when pointing out other people’s flaws need not apply lol. Please get in touch, if you would like to help me search and destroy poor plot & character points pre-publication. Do it for the karma / your name on the acknowledgements page.

18 Replies

In, Along & Up With The New!

3 Replies

‘To infinity… and beyond!’

– Buzz Lightyear

I’m a pretty happy camper right now due to the launch of my new website and the new home of this blog – www.rightinkonthewall.com.

I have to thank three people in particular: Nicola Whetstone of NKW-Illustration for bringing every page to life with her art and putting up with a stalkerish number of emails from me; Laird Sapir of Memphis McKay, who is cool for ten million reasons, but right up there for naming her company after a cat, plus developing my website and putting up with a stalkerish number of emails from me; and Jay Donovan of Tech Surgeons, for saving me from the unfathomable world of ‘technical stuff’ and who is yet to learn exactly how stalkerish I’m going to get via email. I couldn’t have found Laird or Jay without WANACon, which is coming up soon woop!

I know this sounds weirdly like an acceptance speech rather than someone calmly announcing the launch of their website. But this has been months in the making and finally we have liftoff! And I just feel *UP*. I’ve been buoyed by how helpful people are; by contact with several potential clients within a couple of days; by getting on with revising The Book To Be; by plotting my Book To Be Book Cover with NKW; seeing publication on the horizon; and by just generally being in an exciting whirlwind of a year.

Just two years ago and I couldn’t see any of this coming. I was lost; adrift; inert. I’m now moving so fast in the right direction, I need to sit down before I hurt myself. Everyone needs to know that this kind of turnaround is possible – just trust your instincts and embrace the new and, whatever the obstacles, keep moving onward and upward!

Soooo a wee bit of begging – if you’re a follower at wordpress.com, please do follow me here! And if you’re not a follower, hey, why not?! Meanwhile, if you sign up to receive things by email, there will be posts & bits and pieces of news, but never too much or too many – nobody loves a spammer.

Any comments & queries on the new website muchly appreciated! And, for the love of Lexicon, please scream (quietly and privately) if you see a typo – so I can say unto thee, ‘Congratulations for passing my secret test of Spot The Typo’ (I get to save face, you get to save my face – you get me).

3 Replies

Live In The Present But Treasure The Past

2 Replies

Robert & Mona Litchfield

Coventry, 24th December 1944

My Nan and Grandad were married on a Christmas eve during the second world war. As I mentioned in my last post, my Grandad was in the Merchant Navy and had seven ships sunk under him. He was either hideously unlucky or gloriously lucky, depending on whether you focus on his repeated survival or how often a watery grave tried to claim him. It’s crazy to imagine how easily I might not have existed.

My Nan worked in the local pharmacy. She was originally from Wales, but her whole family moved to the city of Coventry, famous for Lady Godiva and the Coventry cathedral, which was destroyed in the blitz in 1940. My Grandad had been inside, putting out incendiary bombs, but the rescue attempt was no use and now only ruins remain.

I don’t know how my grandparents met. I know that my Nan’s previous boyfriend died, his whole family victims of one of the Coventry bombings. I just can’t imagine what life must have been like, living in ever-present fear and losing people constantly. It makes me determined never to take my peaceful existence for granted.

When I was little and my grandparents babysat my younger sister and I, we used to tear around their little house, playing at dressing up and uncovering secrets in the jewellery boxes and containers hidden in the cupboards. I once found an old biscuit tin full of alien items from another world – ration stamps, identity cards, badges, pins… And letters – love letters.

When I was a teenager, my Nan died after a ten year battle with cancer, leaving my Grandad inconsolable, just waiting until he could join her through the years that followed. He counted every day. When my Grandad finally left us as well, my Dad and I cleaned out the wee house that he and his brother had grown up in. I squirrelled away treasures for keepsakes, such as the photograph above. I hunted high and low for the biscuit tin but I couldn’t find it anywhere. I was devastated not to find the box of memories and momentos of love.

I love letters like I love books. You can’t hold or smell a text or email. It’s a different feeling. I still write letters and fill cards every so often for that reason – the feeling I have when I receive one myself. I love having something that can be touched; something physical to pin up or put away to look at another day, maybe years away. Maybe one day a grandkid of mine will find a tin, read my writing, and wonder what my life was really like – I like the idea more than the thought of them finding my Facebook. I want them to feel how I feel when I hold a faded photograph and read a letter like the one below.

I couldn’t find the biscuit tin. But when I picked up the picture of my grandparents on their wedding day, housed in a silver, gilded frame, I had a funny feeling. I opened the back and, sure enough, found a piece of what I’d been looking for. A moment in time. A memory. A reminder that, whatever era you live in, the greatest treasure is love.

What’s your favourite keepsake? It’s so important to live in and for the present, but we should never forget the inspiration to be found in what is past.

2 Replies

There Are Stories All Around Us – Happy Stories, Sad Stories & Cover Stories

10 Replies

This post isn’t going to be as light-hearted as usual. It’s still going to be hopeful, however. I hope that in all my posts, hope for the future shines through. Happiness and hope are inextricably linked. And so are stories. I’ve been to a couple of very interesting writers’ meetings recently, where stories real and imagined have been shared. Sometimes the truths in people’s pasts are stranger and more fascinating than the fiction we share with each other.

The more I learn about people, the more I realise that there are stories all around us, even when we’re not conscious of them. Sometimes the pursuit of a make believe story can distract me from the real stories going on around me. Sometimes I’m reminded with a bump. I’ve recently discovered that one of my writing comrades lost a leg in a motorbike crash (he illustrated this by taking it off and placing it on the restaurant table) and ended up counselling his psychoanalyst in subsequent therapy; that another’s father was one of Winston Churchill’s bodyguards during the war; and another’s grandfather was part of the platoon sent to clean up Bergen-Belsen when the war was over.

I ended up sharing that my grandfather on my dad’s side, who was in the merchant navy, had seven ships sunk under him. How I wish wish wish he was still here, so I could record his story. My grandparents on my mum’s side emigrated from China when the communists took over. They had 8 children – their eldest was left behind and adopted in China (that’s another story). My mother was the seventh child, born after they’d settled in Malaysia, once they’d hiked through the jungle from Thailand, the eldest son nearly dying from a snake bite en route. The family had stowed away in the hold of a ship in order to escape China and make it to a safe place. It’s a happy story.

One friend from the group is developing writing courses to help people cope with trauma. She mentioned how people have ‘cover stories’ – they can tell you what happened to them, but they’ve come up with almost a soundbite for it so that the telling of it doesn’t bring back the hurt and harm. To help work through it, you have to slow it down – bring out the details and face them. I’ve done the same when explaining sad things that have happened – skimming over talking about a bereavement so as not to feel it again. My granddad’s told the soundbite of the ‘seven ships’ – but I only know the cover story – not the details. When my friend’s granddaughter asked what it was like, cleaning up Birkenau, all her grandfather said (/could say?) was, ‘horrible.’

And then, today, I saw this Ted talk on everyday sexism from a girl I went to university with, Laura Bates. She’s talking about and encouraging people to share the stories that no one wants to tell and no one wants to hear.

And that links to one of the aims of a charitable organisation I’ve become involved in – Haven Trust (website under development). It has been founded by a lady who escaped a situation of domestic abuse with her children. She was forced to leave with nothing. She’s acquired the management rights to a hotel in Queenstown NZ and is planning to open a centre for victims of domestic violence. She then aims to open 5 more across New Zealand. She started the trust to provide a stepping stone for other families in her position, making it possible to leave when it seems impossible, providing shelter and employment opportunities to help people start over. What she and her children went though is horrific. But horribly commonplace. A purpose of the trust is to help people coming through record and share their stories with the world. Stories that might never else come to light, because of the prison of silence that allows this kind of abuse to go unnoticed and unpunished.

I’ve never experienced anything like this – I’ve been lucky. I’ve known it goes on, but it’s never been near enough to personally affect me. Then, just before I became involved with the trust last year, I found out that a friend was abused by her husband over a long period of time. And no one knew because she didn’t tell anyone. He made her feel like it was her fault. And now he’s divorced her, which is her lucky break and has finally meant she felt she could break her silence. How many other stories are there that don’t make it past someone’s lips and into the world? How many people never get help?

–

Does anyone have a good story? I think everyone has a good story. The mission of Right Ink On The Wall is one of encouragement. We want people to write ink on the wall of the world. We want people to make the right mark. I want to know people’s stories. Some stories should be shared. Happy stories and sad stories. I want to get to the bottom of people’s cover stories. Because it’s through sharing our stories that we’ll make a better world. Shared experience can inspire action. That’s the hope.

10 Replies