Category Archives: On Where I’ve Come From & Where I’m Going

On Where I’ve Come From & Where I’m Going

WANACon Vs Whistling Frogs

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‘Did you see JK Rowling in the mirror this morning?’ – Daven Anderson

A few months ago, I wrote about why I went to WANACon for the first time. I’m going to talk about why I went again this weekend, despite being faced with the distraction of whistling frogs. It was because I *knew* this digital writers’ conference would live up to its last installment. And it was well worth some creative logistical leaps to make attendance possible.

My Dad’s visiting from the UK and got into town on Friday. We planned a trip to the remote Catlins Coast, a 4 hour trip from my home in Queenstown NZ (& full of cute whistling frogs). Living half a world away, I don’t see my parents very much, so was obviously planning to treasure the trip. But horror of horrors! I realised it would clash with WANACon – such an important conference to attend at this pre-published point in my writing career.

So, I booked somewhere with wifi – The Whistling Frog Holiday Park. And it was awesome. There was a mixture of sunshine and storms (typical NZ), so it wasn’t their fault the wifi was… questionable. Also, you could gain free wifi vouchers if you spent money in the cafe (read bar) – match made in heaven :p I got up at dawn to watch as many sessions as possible – and now I’m catching up on everything I missed, because there are *recordings* and there was a high level of internet interference / teddies thrown out of pram in the wilderness.

Alongside a visit to Teapot World (A garden containing 776 teapots – worth a visit. I’m not kidding), some wonderful waterfalls, a petrified forest by the sea, caves alongside sandy beaches, rare penguin sightings… I got to see some of the most valuable names in the new world of small press, self-publishing, writing, web-building & branding – all imparting their wisdom while I sipped tea in my PJs and shook my fist at the signal strength / weather.

Since the last WANACon, I have had a website built by Laird Sapir & hosted by Jay Donovan, both WANA presenters/professionals; I have won NaNoWriMo and am revising a book for publication; I have met *amazing* bestselling authors, pre-published authors and many authors in between; and I have continued to *learn a lot* from the wonderful resources shared by writers, editors and craft experts who agree with WANA’s main principle – We Are Not Alone.

I’m reminded of this principle every time I connect with someone new, having found their blog through WANA. Every time someone tweets me an encouraging response on Twitter, having read a tweet of mine through #MyWANA. Every time I have a burning question answered, expertly and honestly, by someone who wants to help because they know me through WANA. All the WANA enthusiasts seem to embrace my motto – make the right mark.

So, thank you Kristen Lamb & everyone who presented at WANACon! It was just wonderful. And for my non-writey readers who might be a bit baffled by some of the above – here is a picture of a *really* rare penguin 🙂 Whatever your passion, have you found a forum where you can enjoy support and friendship in its pursuit? I hope so – it’s worth finding!

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In, Along & Up With The New!

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Screen Shot 2014-02-07 at 7.42.15 PM‘To infinity… and beyond!’

– Buzz Lightyear

I’m a pretty happy camper right now due to the launch of my new website and the new home of this blog – www.rightinkonthewall.com.

I have to thank three people in particular: Nicola Whetstone of NKW-Illustration for bringing every page to life with her art and putting up with a stalkerish number of emails from me; Laird Sapir of Memphis McKay, who is cool for ten million reasons, but right up there for naming her company after a cat, plus developing my website and putting up with a stalkerish number of emails from me; and Jay Donovan of Tech Surgeons, for saving me from the unfathomable world of ‘technical stuff’ and who is yet to learn exactly how stalkerish I’m going to get via email. I couldn’t have found Laird or Jay without WANACon, which is coming up soon woop!

I know this sounds weirdly like an acceptance speech rather than someone calmly announcing the launch of their website. But this has been months in the making and finally we have liftoff! And I just feel *UP*.  I’ve been buoyed by how helpful people are; by contact with several potential clients within a couple of days; by getting on with revising The Book To Be; by plotting my Book To Be Book Cover with NKW; seeing publication on the horizon; and by just generally being in an exciting whirlwind of a year.

Just two years ago and I couldn’t see any of this coming. I was lost; adrift; inert. I’m now moving so fast in the right direction, I need to sit down before I hurt myself. Everyone needs to know that this kind of turnaround is possible – just trust your instincts and embrace the new and, whatever the obstacles, keep moving onward and upward!

Soooo a wee bit of begging – if you’re a follower at wordpress.com, please do follow me here! And if you’re not a follower, hey, why not?! Meanwhile, if you sign up to receive things by email, there will be posts & bits and pieces of news, but never too much or too many – nobody loves a spammer.

Any comments & queries on the new website muchly appreciated! And, for the love of Lexicon, please scream (quietly and privately) if you see a typo –  so I can say unto thee, ‘Congratulations for passing my secret test of Spot The Typo’ (I get to save face, you get to save my face – you get me).

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Live In The Present But Treasure The Past

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Robert & Mona Litchfield

Coventry, 24th December 1944

My Nan and Grandad were married on a Christmas eve during the second world war. As I mentioned in my last post, my Grandad was in the Merchant Navy and had seven ships sunk under him. He was either hideously unlucky or gloriously lucky, depending on whether you focus on his repeated survival or how often a watery grave tried to claim him. It’s crazy to imagine how easily I might not have existed. 

My Nan worked in the local pharmacy. She was originally from Wales, but her whole family moved to the city of Coventry, famous for Lady Godiva and the Coventry cathedral, which was destroyed in the blitz in 1940. My Grandad had been inside, putting out incendiary bombs, but the rescue attempt was no use and now only ruins remain. 

I don’t know how my grandparents met. I know that my Nan’s previous boyfriend died, his whole family victims of one of the Coventry bombings. I just can’t imagine what life must have been like, living in ever-present fear and losing people constantly. It makes me determined never to take my peaceful existence for granted.

When I was little and my grandparents babysat my younger sister and I, we used to tear around their little house, playing at dressing up and uncovering secrets in the jewellery boxes and containers hidden in the cupboards. I once found an old biscuit tin full of alien items from another world – ration stamps, identity cards, badges, pins… And letters – love letters.

When I was a teenager, my Nan died after a ten year battle with cancer, leaving my Grandad inconsolable, just waiting until he could join her through the years that followed. He counted every day. When my Grandad finally left us as well, my Dad and I cleaned out the wee house that he and his brother had grown up in. I squirrelled away treasures for keepsakes, such as the photograph above. I hunted high and low for the biscuit tin but I couldn’t find it anywhere. I was devastated not to find the box of memories and momentos of love.  

I love letters like I love books. You can’t hold or smell a text or email. It’s a different feeling. I still write letters and fill cards every so often for that reason – the feeling I have when I receive one myself. I love having something that can be touched; something physical to pin up or put away to look at another day, maybe years away. Maybe one day a grandkid of mine will find a tin, read my writing, and wonder what my life was really like – I like the idea more than the thought of them finding my Facebook. I want them to feel how I feel when I hold a faded photograph and read a letter like the one below. 

I couldn’t find the biscuit tin. But when I picked up the picture of my grandparents on their wedding day, housed in a silver, gilded frame, I had a funny feeling. I opened the back and, sure enough, found a piece of what I’d been looking for. A moment in time. A memory. A reminder that, whatever era you live in, the greatest treasure is love. 

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What’s your favourite keepsake? It’s so important to live in and for the present, but we should never forget the inspiration to be found in what is past. 

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The First Sunrise Of A New Year & Other Highlights

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‘For auld lang syne, my jo,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.’

– Robert Burns

Tonight, two of my favourite things are going to happen – fireworks and new beginnings. I’ve never been one to bemoan the perceived ‘anti-climax’ of New Year’s – any excuse for a party and I’ll find the fun. I’ve had a good time every New Year’s eve back as far as I can remember. January blues I am guilty of, but I always see the old year out and the new year in with a bang!

This year, I’m road-tripping oe’r the holidays. I’ve been camping over Christmas and exploring more of New Zealand’s north island before arriving today back in Gisborne, on the east coast. It’s a carnival-spirited place that will the be first in the world to see the sunrise of a new year.

I’m going to invite you all to join me in one of my evening’s activities and play ‘highlights’ – a game born of myself and my bestie (Amster of Pride and Projection fame) many years back, which we still play periodically, especially at New Year’s (the drinking is, of course, optional – though not really for me and Amster).

Sometimes we start with lowlights – raising a glass to drown the bad points of the past year, those that brought us down and sometimes out, those that we don’t remember fondly. I could pretend here that we toast the learnings that have emerged from the negatives we’ve experienced, but mostly it’s more of a ‘…And remember that happened? Wow that sucked. 2 fingers.’

But the highlight is always the highlights – remembering and drinking to all the best things that have happened to us. They invariably include each other. They have ranged from promotions and resignations, relationships and relocations, to ‘…Hey, I love this song! 3 fingers.’   

New Year’s is always a time to look forward, making resolutions and hoping for a better year, regardless of whether the last was particularly good or bad. Remember to take a moment, for auld lang syne (‘old time’s sake’). Don’t just focus on what you want to go / do better – play highlights. Alcohol often induces bonus rounds – it’s amazing what you can think of to celebrate when there’s a good reason! And drinking to resolutions is also encouraged.

This year I moved into my dream home (2 fingers), set up my business (3 fingers), incorporated my company (2 fingers) and wrote a novel (down it). I became the accountant for a charitable trust (2 fingers). I went part-time at the day-job (3 fingers). I saw lots of friends from home I’d not seen since I left (finger per friend). I… ooh! I love this song! (many fingers). Next year I resolve to publish the book. I will make my business bigger and better. I will eat less fried chicken and do more exercise…. There’s more to say, plan, do, drink – but you get the idea!

What are everyone’s highlights / resolutions? Highlights cancel out lowlights. Resolutions cancel out last year’s failed resolutions (I make the rules here). Enjoy whatever you have planned for your tonight! For many of you this will be in my tomorrow. See you next year! Happy highlights 🙂 

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Escape to Abel Tasmen

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My Christmas Campsite

Hope you all had a merry Christmas and sorry for leaving you hanging like an unopened Christmas stocking!  I’ve been a bad blogger and officially missed two deadlines. My extenuating circumstances are Christmas and camping, so please forgive me. I left laptop and life behind to beat into the bush of Abel Tasmen, walking hours and hours into the wilderness and camping on beaches such as the one above. But words have still been dancing in my head and making their way onto paper, just waiting for some wifi… and here they are. 

I discussed a few weeks ago why life is good, even when it’s not – but, however good life is, an escape can be wonderful. A change is as good as a rest, they say, and a rest from the whirlwind of 2013 was definitely required. It’s been emotional. 

I won’t make a mad recap here – suffice to say, with t minus one week to go, the countdown to fleeing was *on*. The plan was in place (kind of); the budget was beat into submission (sort of); and come Saturday, we finally hit the road, after an early Christmas turkey with all the trimmings. A vegetarian turkey was even genetically engineered for the non-meat-eaters among us. 

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Don’t ask. Or do! It’s an… interesting recipe.

We steamrollered north. Amazing to feel the wind in my hair once more, footloose and fancy-free times ahead. Of course, there’s only so fancy-free you can be. There’s still rent to pay behind you, the price of petrol, tyre dramas, unexpected expenditure (more tyre dramas – hadn’t quite managed to replace the spare after our last eventful road trip); and, of course, camping’s arch nemesis – the weather. 

But just as life is what you make it, so is an escape from it. Face inevitable chores and challenges with good humour and the rewards of rest and relaxation are yours for the taking. Let hitches and hiccups stress you out and you don’t stand a chance of a happy holiday.

Camping over Christmas was a joyful focus on the simple things in life – appreciating nature, finding food and keeping dry. It was fun to hunt mussels to cook for dinner and forget about the internet. It was less fun being damp and being bitten by sandflies. Overall, it was a good reminder never to take for granted a bed, a roof and something separating you from things that want to eat you. 

I hope everyone’s having a fantastic festive season and enjoying some form of escape in the happiness of holidays and the felicity of feasting with family and friends! Has anyone else let some things on the to-do list slide? Who else has overeaten? What do vegetarians normally eat for Christmas?! Whatever you do or don’t do, whether you forget or don’t do it on purpose – don’t forget to have fun. Take a break and escape…

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Finding Christmas Time

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Tis the season…

I’m so annoyed with myself for not yet having decorated for Christmas. I’m actually away for festive week and new year’s week, so if I don’t do it soon there’ll be no point doing it at all… Except the point that I’ll be sad if I don’t, even if I leave it to the day before I leave. I’m thinking of taking some tinsel travelling with me, too.

I’m so *busy* right now! I’m running around like a headless turkey. In the office, the internet and phone-lines have broken, casting us back into the dark ages and making me wonder how we’d cope if the world lost technology altogether (a theme in my NaNo novel!). There are scores of people visiting, some event or another on every day of next week, and we’re hitting the road at the end of it, with next to no itinerary and not a lot organised. Not only have I not decorated, I’ve not done any Christmas shopping or sent any cards. Some of you may be sighing out of sympathy, others out of incomprehension – there are 2 weeks left after all… Except, I’m half a world away from home and from most of the people I want to gift / card – even if I get my act together today, post probably won’t arrive until *next* Christmas!

What am I doing?! Well, I’ve been working at 3 different ‘jobs’ – I have my part-time job as the Reluctant Accountant, which isn’t so part-time this fortnight due to internet issues and the amount to do in the run up to Christmas; I have my business, Right Ink On The Wall, which has been beautifully busy of late, editing and proofing; and I’ve just become the accountant (less reluctantly) for a charitable trust (more on this in another post), which is brand new and just finding its feet, so lots to doooo! 

But, however busy I am – there’s no excuse for not finding Christmas Time. Time to decorate, time to celebrate, time to get in touch with loved ones and send tokens of care. There’s no excuse not to find time to thank someone for a card or a kindness. One can be tired *and* cheery. I need to embrace the festive franticness at everything there is to *do* – and be grateful for all the people there are to *see*.

Who’s feeling that Christmas rush/push/crush?! Who else needs to pause for thought, and take time to feel festive?! It’s the most wonderful time of the year 🙂 Make time to find Christmas Time!

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Why I Became An Editor – Work-Life Love Affair vs Work-Life Balance

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© 2013 NKW-Illustration. All Rights Reserved.

‘Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.’ – Confucius

Who has ever had a big pile of work dumped on their desk by their manager, whether first thing in the morning or last thing at night, when they already have a list of jobs to do a mile long? Who has ever felt their heart sink as they’ve faced another week at work? Who has spent time and energy doing the best job they can do, but all the while feeling a lack of passion and excitement for the tasks at hand? Who has given up their personal time and interests in order to do all the work that their career has put on their plate?

A large piece of work landed in my inbox this morning. Instead of getting stuck right in, I took a moment and told myself that I needed to write down how I was feeling at that moment, because I must never forget it. Instead of the sinking feeling I’ve experienced before, my heart lifted. Instead of the flutter of panic and a scrambling worry to rehash my timetable, I felt a quiver of excitement and calm confidence that is becoming a more familiar feeling since I’ve created my own business and given myself more choices, including the choice to change careers and organise my time my way. I had been given notice to expect this work, but it hadn’t weighed over me like a storm cloud as I blacked out the time it would take me to do it around the time it would arrive. Rather, I’ve spent the last while looking forward to it.

All of these things tell me that, finally, I’m on the right path. I’ve chosen the right career. It was out there after all and it didn’t matter that I took a different direction at the starting line. As my own boss, I am the slave now only to my own ambitions. I create my own choices. I generate my own work. I need to be just as organised, just as thorough, just as dedicated as when I am working for someone else’s agenda, but now the dance is solely between myself and my client; making each other happy; giving each other something of value. I am doing for a living an extension of what I do for fun – playing with words; communicating meaning; telling a story.

Life is a puzzle and sometimes you can feel boxed in by your perceived lack of choices. You can only see parts of the puzzle, only make certain pieces fit together. If you’re feeling unfulfilled in your life, you need to take a step back and see that there are more choices than you think. Think outside the box. This morning has confirmed that, while once adrift and inert in a sea of choices where only a few were visible to me, it was the right move to take out my telescope, look for more choices, and make the right one rather than remaining in a whirlpool.

I still have a part-time day job while I build up the business, but this is a glimpse of the utopia I’m headed for: an end to Sunday Evening Depression; an end to Living For The Weekend; an end to Waiting For The Next Holiday. An end to seeing money as an end, and instead beginning to see it as positive energy gained through positive energy. Call me crazy, but I think it’s possible to break free from chains and ladders, and enjoy a work-life love affair rather than striving for a work-life balance. Like in any relationship, while balance is great, possessions are nice, and progression is fulfilling – to me, it’s passion that’s most rewarding.

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Getting Down & Getting Back Up Again

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‘It’s the climb’

– Miley Cyrus

It’s so much easier to get down than it is to get back up. It’s amazing how simple some deep philosophical truths can be. Doesn’t have quite the ring to it as some poetic quotes of endurance and encouragement, but there it is. I just finished reading Kristen Lamb’s latest post and it’s reduced me to tears because it perfectly illustrates what I was going to write about. 

The bike pictured above is my new one that partner in crime gave me yesterday for my birthday 🙂 I named her Enid and took her for a spin this morning (my first bike ride in quite a few years). Now, here is a drawing of roughly where my house is situated:

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Yes, this is why I have an illustrator

Getting down was fast. Wind in my hair, bugs in my teeth. A feeling of free-fall. A feeling of almost losing control. I had planned to cycle to a nearby lake, which also turned out to be uphill. Basically, after reaching the bottom of the road from my house, I took my bike for a walk. I didn’t make it to the lake because, after a wee climb, there were cows blocking the road round a corner. This is another deep philosophical truth. Life always throws a herd of cows in your way when you want to get somewhere. I’m scared of cows. (Ssshh, yes I am aware I have moved to the countryside. But cows are scary. Give me a break). So I turned back. I would have felt like a failure, but so much exercise after so long also meant that I felt like I was going to be sick, so it was cool to get back on the bike and coast down the way I’d come. 

That took me to the bottom of my home hill. And I had to climb back up it. Needless to say, this was nowhere near as swift as the descent. And I had to face the cars passing me, wondering if the drivers thought I was just nuts or feeble not to be riding my mountain bike up the mountain, as it was clearly designed for that purpose, unlike my body. But I trooped on up and I made it to the top. I made it back home. Sometimes, it might seem too high or too far to get where we want to be. You have to keep climbing. If you were riding, sometimes you have to pop off and walk. You can get there, eventually, and it’s worth it. I intend to do much more riding until it’s no longer as necessary to do as much walking. Maybe I’ll ride up the hill to home one day *coughs & splutters*. 

Everything has got on top of me at the moment. Two friends have died in a car crash in Oz and I’ve just been over staying with our friend’s family and attending the joint funeral. My uncle has passed away and I can’t get back to the UK to be with the family. All were taken too soon. Things that shouldn’t be stressful have become overwhelming in the wake of it all. I can’t seem to concentrate at the moment. My NaNo novel has become a bit of a nemesis. I can’t seem to work, write, or achieve any of the things that I was meant to achieve this month. 

We have to accept that it’s easier to get down than it is to get back up. It will take time. We will have to take some care of ourselves to be fit enough to do it. And we have to believe that it’s possible to be better. Who here feels the same? Who’s on a climb and could use a little lift? Who can’t stand Miley Cyrus but can’t help but love the lyrics?! (Disclaimer: I actually do like Miley Cyrus, don’t hate me). 

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The Pain Of Packing & The Two Sides To Every Story

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‘Every truth has two sides; it is as well to look at both, 

before we commit ourselves to either.’

– Aesop

Step into my study! It’s small but, then, so am I… And it’s perfectly proportioned. To my left is a NZ-centric map of the world (perfect distraction) underscored by a choice selection of cards from friends full of stories and good feeling (perfect procrastination).

I am finally, as of tomorrow, free of my old flat. I mentioned before that I had moved to my dream pad – a fairytale cottage in the woods. The overlap has been pesky and the move has not been without some warfare. I hate packing. And I hate that in every place I’ve called home, it’s not been mine. I’ve rented but not owned. And so I’ve always had to justify myself in some way before, during or after my tenancy.

In my previous flat, the estate agents claim that something is broken that wasn’t (to my knowledge) in any disrepair before I vacated the property. Further, the carpets (which I’ve had professionally cleaned) bear some wear. In vain have I pointed out that the carpets were not exactly squeaky clean or free of wear when I took the place on.  Meanwhile, I’ve had to move a couple of old, disused television sets over to my new port of call, in the dark, in the torrential rain, because the local Salvation Army aren’t accepting second-hand televisions and, hence, I need to take them to the tip. Being 5 foot nothing (that’s 152cm to you metric folk!) and 8 stone (50kg), with the upper body strength of a small penguin, I need help to achieve this. And partner in crime is working away this week. I rolled the sets out of my car (with help from a friend) to the side of my drive (past my gate). At the top of my drive, admittedly by the road, lay an old rowing boat on a faulty trailer that we acquired to fix up and had to bring over from the ex-home. I couldn’t safely move this out the way without assistance (anyone who has seen me parallel park would back this up).

Within 12 hours of television sets being left overnight on my own drive, I have had neighbours complain about them and a call from my new estate agents. They also mentioned the boat. And threw in an accusation of subletting because friends visiting us were spotted in my new home (looking too at home?! If so, I’m glad). It was also noted that we entered the garage that we weren’t supposed to. This was in order to desperately find some jump leads to start a vehicle that should have been on its way to work on a 4 hour journey already.

Aaaahh but this is where I need to remind myself that there are two sides to every story. Hopefully, you’re on my side so far. The calls from the estate agents today put more nails in an already painful week of packing and moving and cleaning, which would already have been unmanageable without my friends. It’s difficult to take with equanimity a suggestion that you haven’t taken care of a place, when you’ve spent the last however long doing your best to do just that. And it’s equally difficult not to be hurt that your new neighbours choose to think the worst of you and tell tales, rather than ask the reason why a situation they have observed is the way it is. I mean, heaven forbid they could even offer assistance where it would be welcome!

And yet, from the other point of view, I could be another in a long line of tenants who have taken liberties at someone else’s expense. I could be someone who’s broken into a new neighbourhood and started scuffing it up without a care in the world or any respect for my neighbours.

Rather than stewing over the fact that I am not either of these people, I need to take on the lesson and learn not to judge. I clearly have no appetite for being judged myself! I need to appreciate the other side of the story in all of the stories that happen. Hopefully, this will also help me write a better story than the ones that are overly one-sided. How about you? Has anyone had a run-in with a real estate or landlord, but there was a reasonable explanation?! Is one-sidedness your foe, too? 

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Pride & Projection

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‘A true friend stabs you in the front’

– Oscar Wilde

Before I say anything meaningful, I just want to shout out a couple of things: 1. I love the fact that googling images for projection lead me to discover Doug Savage and www.savagechickens.com – amazing. 2. I didn’t hit my Monday evening self-imposed deadline last night because I was feeling grumpy (it can happen however happy life is) and I didn’t want to publish any grumpiness. It’s rather against the spirit of a hopeful / happy blog :p That’s not to say we can’t talk about negative things, though. I just think it’s important to talk about negative things with a positive attitude.

I’m glad that there are so many funny things and funny friends in the world to lift you out of grump when you find yourself there. My best friend (since we were sevenish!) has always been one of them. Let’s call her Amster. She wrote me a lovely well-wishing email a while back with congrats on the blog and business and a suggestion for a potential post – and here it is!

The best friends are not necessarily the ones who agree with everything we say and do. Nor are they the ones who disagree with us, but support us blindly regardless of their opinion (though this can be nice!). The best of friends are the ones who are capable of challenging us and confronting us – the ones from whom we can take constructive criticism because it comes out of care.

Even when a comment comes out of care, however, it can be difficult to swallow. It’s so easy to put someone’s back up and push them on the defensive. That’s because you’re threatening them – who they are; what they’re doing; why they’re doing it. And sometimes it’s worth asking yourself why you have something to say about it. Why have they made you critical? Is it because they’ve made you uncomfortable?

Amster become increasingly frustrated with me after I left my life in London. I didn’t know what I wanted to do – just that I didn’t want to do what I had been doing. And so I drifted. I had a lot of fun. I travelled. I read. I wrote. But without much direction or purpose. I suffered from inertia. I didn’t want to be captured back into the life I had before, but I still needed to make a living. And I wanted to make it doing something I loved, but my pipe-dream plans were all half-formed and half-followed-through. As I pondered this, I floundered somewhat. At the same time, however, I felt like it would all come good. I’d find my calling and sort my life out. It was just too early to find out what that life would be.

This was a source of contention for my friend. Why couldn’t I just sort my life out now? Why was I floating through this inertia? Why wasn’t I just figuring it all out and fixing it? I needed the time I took, even though I didn’t know then where it was taking me. Amster was on the brink of bringing it up and harassing me about it. She was goaded by my choices to the point of being about to ‘have a go.’ It would have come out of care, but I know that I would have reacted badly. I would have gone on the defensive out of pride. This would partly be because of the truth in her frustration – I did have an underlying worry that I wasn’t doing enough to get on the right path. I was just going with it – and now I’m glad. At the time, however, I didn’t have the confidence to have endured the knock of an attack from an ally. I needed the support I was getting. It wouldn’t have gone well.

What did happen was much more interesting. Amster paused for thought and asked herself why she was so annoyed. She realised that the reason for her frustration was that my life was reflecting hers back at her. She was doing much the same thing – being inert; being unsure; not making progress. She realised that just because she was doing it from a position of relative security, it didn’t make it less of a pain. And she was about to take that pain out on me. Because of her epiphany, however, she didn’t. And we ended up with dialogue instead of diatribe.

This was a thousand times more motivating. We made a plan. We promised to keep each other up to date and cheer each other on. We pushed each other on and pulled each other up. We achieved big changes. We made great progress. We came closer to our dreams because we became more conscious of our thoughts, feelings and actions. We held each other accountable.

We still do all of these things and it’s a source of never-ending happiness for me. I am never alone. I can share my failures along with my triumphs. I can criticise and receive criticism – I know it comes out of care. I also know that it is carefully considered.

Who is annoying you right now? Who is putting you on the defensive; paining you; causing you to bite your tongue to the point that you’re coming close to biting their head off? Now pause for thought. Before you let out your frustration, ask yourself why you feel frustrated. Is it them? Or might it be you? It could be both.

I’m not saying, if you can’t say something nice – don’t say nothing at all (though that can be a good lesson, thanks Thumper). Rather, if you can’t say something nice – wonder why. And if you have some constructive criticism – deliver it in context. This is how the best friendships foster.

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